Emotions of the past

Emotions of the past
Part 3 Body, mind and spirit
Recovering from Depression
A companion guide for Christians


Pandas and thunderstorms

Ever since I can remember, whenever there’s a thunderstorm around me, in real life or on television, a picture comes into my mind of the soft black and white face of a giant panda. For a long time I had no idea why that was. I wondered if it had anything to do with the ‘–nder’ and ‘–nda’ sounds of the words, but that didn’t seem very likely to me. It wasn’t until I was in my thirties that it occurred to me to ask my family if they could think of any reason why my mind held that association. I asked my mother first. It took her less than 30 seconds to come up with the answer!

Once when I was very young (less than five years old) there was a heavy thunderstorm. It so happened that one of my favourite soft toys, a panda, had been put through the wash that morning and was out in the pouring rain pegged by his ears to the washing line. I got very distressed about this and someone went out to rescue him for me. I have no memory of this at all although I do remember the panda – he may even still be around in someone’s loft!

I think it’s amazing how our minds make links like that all by themselves without our conscious knowledge. Someone once said to me that there are no such things as irrational thoughts or feelings; there are only thoughts and feelings for which we have not yet uncovered the reason, which is held in our minds somewhere. My association of pandas with thunder seemed irrational yet there was a perfectly rational explanation to be found.

The known and the unknown

My association of thunder and pandas didn’t carry for me any emotional element. I’m not afraid of thunder or lightning, or giant pandas come to that although I wouldn’t want to get too close to one! The association came from what was obviously a very upsetting incident, of a much loved soft toy left hanging out in the rain. But my panda was rescued and no doubt I quickly cheered up and all was well.

But what if we have associations that do carry with them very strong emotions? Earlier, in Chapter 9, we met James who often felt profound sadness and grief when listening to music. The grief was very strong and went very deep, deeper than he could cope with, and he would turn the music off if he could.

We might all have had an experience of this kind when something evokes feelings of deep sadness, paralysing fear, or maybe emotions we can’t put a name to.

We might know why this happens – a particular place may remind us of a sad meeting with someone we never saw again, or a certain hymn might always bring back sad or painful memories, of the funeral of a loved one or our marriage service after the death of our husband or wife.

On the other hand we might not understand why this happens. We may have no memory to explain it, just I had forgotten about my poor soggy panda. Or perhaps there was something that felt so unbearable to us at the time that our minds suppressed the memory and kept it hidden from us for our own protection.

These associations that trigger painful and distressing memories or emotions can be among the ‘hidden things’ that lie behind our depression. Indeed, they are literally being depressed, pushed down. That takes a lot of mental and emotional energy, leaving little to spend on our day-to-day living in the present.

Therapeutic processes

I’ve already suggested that we may need professional help to work through the issues raised by these powerful ‘hidden things’. My own experience has taught me some lessons about this process:

* That it can be very long and drawn out with many stops and starts, ups and downs and much going round in circles. I also know it can take a lot of courage and faith in our own in-built sun-seeking dandelions.

* That it is possible to come through these experiences so that our past, although unchanged, may be seen from a new perspective and from within a new relationship with it so that it no longer has us in its grip.

* That while we are working through our mental pain and distress at a psychological level we can also bring them to God at a deeply spiritual level with the faith that it is never too late for him to heal our past.

* That there is too much specialist knowledge and training needed in both the psychological and the spiritual dimensions for one person or one group to be able to do this work with us effectively. It may be possible for our professional helpers to work as a team to support us. I’m sure that others will have had different experiences and may have been able to work with one person on all levels of their being, but it’s not a situation I’ve known.

* That there are many things we can do to help ourselves if we can find ways of ‘working through’ or ‘praying through’ experiences and memories that are troubling us.


Taken from Recovering from Depression by Katharine Smith